The Legend of Robert, the Giant Blue Platypus
The Legend of Robert: The Giant Blue Platypus©
Once upon a time, deep withinin the depths of the deep blue sea lived Robert, the ugliest, greasiest and stupidest Platypus. But Robert wasn’t just any stupid, ugly and greasy giant blue platypus. No, Robert had a heart the size of an ice cube, and it was about as cold as one as well. In other words, Robert was freezing to death. The cold had shrunken his heart and he was not very healthy anymore. But Robert was a Witch and had discovered his wussy little witch powers when everybody in his old village called him Oscar instead of Robert. That really pissed him off. In anger he cast a curse on them making all the other platypuses in the world seem very small compared to Robert. Now that he was a giant compared to them, they now feared him. Mixed with Roberts knowing of the other platypus’ fear of him and his humongusness, and his confusion of fear with respect, Robert decided to be king of this village of puny Platypus’. But his reign over the platypus was short lived, for a platypus named Susej Tsirhc had recieved a message from God. God had told him how to banish Robert who will be called Oscar through the rest of the story. But God made a deal with Susej Tsirhc. He had to write a really long book and say that God told him to do it. God also told him that even though this book would be really long, many people would never read it (I wonder why) and many people would consider it boring as well. God also told Susej that he would one day be killed for having an open mind and believing in God and that Susej should advise to people in his book that they not have open minds but to still believe in God and that all the things that happen each day are miracles performed by God and that they should devote their crummy little lives to God as well. Susej banished Oscar to the Indian Ocean! Since Oscar no longer could control his people, and his ties with all civilized ocean animals were lost and all he could talk to are those stupid Dolphins, he tried freezing the ocean, so that he may be rid of the Dolphins and build himself an Ice Palace in which to keep warm, but the spell back fired on him, and his heart was turned to an ice cube. Thus Oscar ripped the heads of the Dolphins off and devoured their remains and guzzled their blood! “Tee heee heee!” he giggled! Killing made him happy and feel exhilarated! His primal instinct had finally been realized! The gargantuan platypus was determined to wipe out the race of dolphins forevermore! Little did he know, that while he was ripping apart the dolphin race one by one, that clams were creeping into his cave, and were reproducing in his home. When all but the last dolphins were left and were hiding, Oscar decided to return home. When Oscar returned home he found the clams, hundreds of clams upon hundreds of clams and all of their indecency within his home. On his floor, his bed, the couch and hiding behind numerous objects pertaining to his home. And do you want to know what they were doing? They were sleeping! With a mighty roar Oscar woke all the clams and when they woke, they woke to the sight of a giant platypus with one thing on his mind, and that was Clam Chowder. Oscar ripped apart the clams in frenzy and boiled them in scalding hot water. Oscar added a little of this, and a little of that and had clam chowder for dinner!!! Oh, how good that clam chowder was. He slurped, and he smacked until there was nothing left but an empty bowl!!!! “Mwa haa haaa haaa!!” he laughed sounding victorious and evil at the same time. Then suddenly the water around him turned cold. His heart began to get colder and shrink. He started to see nothing but darkness. Until, HE DIED!!!!!!!! “AAAAHHH HAAA HAAAA!!! IN YOUR FACE OSCAR!!!!!!” I yelled at Oscar’s fallen body. “ TAKE THAT!!!!” Then suddenly, in his last breath, Oscar ripped my head off and the blood gushed from the stump on my body known as a neck onto the corpse of Robert, the Giant Blue Platypus.
Part II: The Return of Oscar
And thus Oscar was reborn. The blood spilled from my body unto him had created new life. A horrible life. This allowed Oscar to live anew, without the agony of having an ice cube for a heart. Oscar could rip apart other animal races again!!! He smashed onto the land and chased down the nearest animal tracks he found. These were unicorn tracks! “Awww! Look at all the little unicorns. Oh well. TIME TO DIE UNICORNS!!!!” and with that, he chased down the Unicorns and grabbed them by the legs and tails, or whatever he could grab a hold of and smashed the Unicorns into the ground and into each other and ripped apart their stomachs, and through all the rapid convulsions of the Unicorns, he ripped out their innards, seizing a hold of their Large intestines and choking them with it, then dislodging their small intestines and flossing their teeth with them, then ripping out their stomachs and pouring the hydrochloric acid onto their bare, exposed, and tender- blood stained white fur so the skin would burn and crisp and shrink until there was nothing more, but a shriveled coat of brown muscle, exposed to the open air. With a content smile, Oscar said to the ravaged piles of blood that were once unicorns “Giddy up”.
Oscar, having just killed off the entire race of the Unicorns, was perfectly happy now. After the ferocious extermination of the Unicorn, Oscar dove back into the Indian Ocean and found his lair and slept peacefully for the night. But, Oscar had not done everything so completely. I rose from the blood and gore around myself. I WAS A ZOMBIE !!!! I rose with a wrath! I had but one purpose. To Kill Oscar. I walked for miles on end on the ocean floor. Being dead I had no use for mortal oxygen! I walked until I had come upon Oscars lair, where the great beast lay sleeping. I walked until I approached....
Part III: Revenge
As the great beast snored I approached him, remaining undetected within the safety of the shadows. I felt like a soldier in Viet Nam, sneaking and hiding within the shadows, always with a purpose. To finish their mission. The beast stopped snoring, and I remained silent, hiding in the shadows, wondering if he knew I was still here, as if this was all a set up and that his snoring was just a guise to lure me into his lair so that he may finish me off. He resumed snoring, and I, having doubts whether he was really asleep, looked back ruefully on the day in which I had laughed at the body I thought no longer had any life until it had token my head off. The anger towards Oscar because of the memory of this was great enough to make me continue forward, and finish what I had came for, despite whether Oscar’s sleeping was an act or not. When I approached Oscar he seemed to triple in size, and the roar of the almighty creature seemed to be un-stand able, the excruciatingly loud snore smashing in my ear drums, the pain of it was almost enough to bring me to my knees. I almost did fall to my knees and gave in to the gargantuan beast. But I did not. I fought the mighty roar and stood up top the beast and rose above him top bring down my sword upon his blood-wrought body. Oscar stirred. He woke, and when he woke I faltered. I had not suspected him to wake, especially having just exerted such tremendous force on the Unicorns. I should not have faltered, as he saw me standing above him, sword in my hand, so clearly trying to slay the great beast. As he saw me he swiped for what was left of my headless body and rolled out of his bed, all in one fluid motion.
Part IV: Clash of the Gods
And so Robert and I battled. When he rose, we both understood clearly that this would be the battle of all battles, A Clash of the Gods. With our hands high into the air and brought them down upon each other in a fury of spit, anger, and hair, knowing that one of us had to be eradicated from the mortal world for the other to rest. So we battled. I swung for his head and he ducked and punched me in a stomach! But, because of this, the repercussions were great. I puked all over him and the acidity of it burned his glossy fur right of his body! His fuzzy armor was no longer there to protect him from my wrath of a few hours! I kicked Oscar right in the stomach and again in his face! He cowered on the ground, in mortal fear of me! But it was just a trick! He jumped up and poked me in the eyes and then pushed me onto the ground! He then body slammed me, causing me to lose my breath. So I sat there on the ground, weak, exposed, and wounded. Once I had regained my breath I got up and in an attack of anger, smashed Oscar into a sea wall, breaking the connection of his spinal cord in two! He lay on the ground, limp, dying, and ugly. I chose to not spare him and instead kicked him in the stomach, face, back, and whatever body parts my foot could find. He was dead. I was the ruler supreme! I had conquered!!!!!
Guess What?? That’s The end of the Story!! Be happy! You read the entire story and survived!!
Hey, post some comments and tell me what you thought about this story. I got a little bored and yeah, I know it's a little off, but I think it's kinda' funny.